ESSAY

Here are my reasons.

Photo by Parker Gibbons on Unsplash

(CHICAGO, IL) — I just gave notice at my full-time job, where I’ve worked for only a year in an administrative role, in a position I have grown into since 2016.

I’m quitting to pursue a lifelong passion of mine — writing — at a time where millions of Americans are leaving the workforce. Like many of those people, growing through the pandemic year of 2020 is what ultimately led to my realization that working in an office just might not be for me right now.

I moved over to the 9 to 5 workforce as an office admin/receptionist in…


Why Pennsylvania is the worst

Image by Megan Schmidt

This is not a satirical piece of writing. This is my life.

I am from rural Pennsylvania. My hometown has a population of 2,672 people. Being from a lower middle class family, when it came time for college, in-state tuition was my only option. I went to college only a few hours from where I grew up.

Greensburg, PA — population 14,290. A big step up for a small town, closeted hick. Less than an hour drive away from downtown Pittsburgh, I fell in love with my midsize college town during the four years I spent there. …


HUMOR

Bow to me, peasants

Image by Azmi Talib from Pixabay

Everyone has pet peeves. I happen to have a lot of them. Near the top of the list: People who are inconsiderate of others’ time. I’ve written about this before, regarding slow cashiers, but I would like to address the topic again, this time from the comfort of the driver’s seat of a rental car.

Picture this: You’re sitting in your car at the state border, during the last leg of an 8 hour drive. There are five cars ahead of you in the cash/credit toll lane. There are lanes to the left and right of you — also cash/credit…


Satire

Never has to work another day of its life

Photo by Compare Fibre on Unsplash

After more than a year of working around the clock to meet the demands of Work From Home lifestyle, your poor internet connection finally caught a break when it won the Illinois State Lottery Mega Millions grand prize of $468,000,000 dollars.

“I’ve been so burnt out. It feels fantastic to finally have the money to slow down and disconnect,” said your Internet.

Tuesday evening, after deciding enough was enough, your Internet connected to the official Illinois lottery website and purchase a $20 Easy Pick.

“I was just so exhausted from being on 24/7, that I finally did some soul engine…


SATIRE

Explaining Man’s Need to Explain, Explained.

Photo by steffen wienberg on Unsplash

“Stop MANSPLAINING to me!”

I am so tired of hearing this EVERY day, so I thought I should write an explanation as to WHY men mansplain, so that everyone understands it as well as I — a man — understand it.

It’s not that men think we know better or more, it’s that we want to make sure you know that we know just as much if not more than you know.

You know?

We take the time to explain so that it’s explained, clearly. Does that make sense?

If we don’t take the time to explain, then how will…


MOVIES

600? 1,200? Keep Guessing.

Photo by Nathan DeFiesta on Unsplash

How many movies do you think you have seen in your lifetime? Take a moment to think about it. Use one year as a guide; how many movies do you watch in a year? Maybe a few dozen?

I watch sixty. A year.

Whether that’s bigger or smaller than your count, I was certainly surprised when I did the math, for one big reason: I do not consider myself a movie buff. …


Humor

Click to Read Full Job Description

Image by athree23 from Pixabay

Seeking: College student in need of introduction to the fast-paced, dangerously abusive capitalistic system. Prior experience in a toxic workplace preferred.

Hours: Sunday-Sunday

Pay: $0.00 — UPDATE: Not a typo, please do not inquire about money; this is an unpaid, full-time employment position with no benefit(s).

Experience: Be the son or daughter — but probably son — of a Board member, C Suite friend or client of our CEO.

Pitch: Join a fast-paced, outwardly respected company with absolutely no formal internship program or training capacity. You will be saddled with a Senior Vice President who doesn’t have time to train…


HUMOR

So Help Me I Will Self-Checkout

Image by Richard Duijnstee from Pixabay

CHICAGO, IL — Typically, I avoid getting into checkout lines with cashiers who look slow. I don’t mean slow as in they have limited cognitive abilities to process information — although that may be a factor — I mean they have no sense of urgency, which is easily on my top 10 list of pet peeves toward human behavior.

A sense of urgency is an essential skill for part time workers of any job. Please understand that I do not believe that minimum wage workers should rush. On the contrary, I’m a big believer that part timers should not over-exert…


HUMOR

Why Buy/Sell Apps Can Never Replace Them

Image by MoneyforCoffee from Pixabay

Growing up in a small town in Pennsylvania, yard sales were as much a part of summer as the public pool. Driving to the grocery store, you would pass telephone poles with handwritten signs stapled to them, made with dollar store poster board and a thick Sharpie. A colorfully scribbled arrow pointed you in the direction of the latest treasure hunt, and two half-inflated balloons were tied to the pole, flapping in the breeze as a brilliant marketing tactic to draw the eye.

Card tables and flimsy white plastic chairs were hauled out of basements and sheds, hosed down to…


HUMOR

Or Stand Closer to the Ducts

Image by Hatice EROL from Pixabay

CHICAGO, IL — One drawback of living in the city is the sharing of apartment walls with other people, and a certain level of noise to be expected with that. Hearing the footsteps of your upstairs neighbors, muffled laughter from the family below, or the midnight sounds of the fortunate bachelor through your bedroom wall are all common occurrences that can take some getting used to.

If you are lucky, you have respectful neighbors who are aware of the noise they make. If you are unlucky, you can end up knocking on doors at 2 A.M. …

Andy Meholick

Copywriter for pay, Comedy writer for fun. I write humorous observational essays and satire pieces. Contributing writer for Slackjaw, MuddyUm. Chicago, IL.

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