Published in MuddyUm·Mar 29, 2022Member-onlyAn Open Letter to the “Everything” BagelI’m feeling a bit salty — Dear “Everything” Bagel, I was at a cafe ordering an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich on a plain bagel this morning when the guy behind the counter asked, “You sure you want it on plain? We have everything bagels.” That’s when it hit me, how arrogant your name is. Where…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Contemplate·Mar 23, 2022Member-onlyWhy Do Perfectionists Rarely Get Published?Answer: Because we seldom submit our work — I view contests like I view war: why enter into one unless you are certain you can win? That’s why I so rarely participate in them. Same goes for publishing my work. …Writers On Writing3 min readWriters On Writing3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Mar 23, 2022Member-onlyWelcome to the Museum of Natural Body HairRe-shaping the way you view the human body fur-ever — Immerse yourself in the human form like never before with our tactile displays of the male and female anatomy. From chin to toes, comb through more than 200,000 years of hair growth in our species’ nether regions. EXHIBITS Pubes Through the Ages Dive deep into the pubic area and learn about the various grooming styles…Satire2 min readSatire2 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Dec 11, 2021Member-onlyCOVID-Inspired Hallmark Christmas MoviesA pandemic won’t slow down their holiday production schedule — This year, while your husband is “working late,” countdown to Christmas with these pandemic-themed Christmas movies from the Hallmark Channel!Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Nov 23, 2021Member-onlySeeking: Loving Husband, or Decent Weighted BlanketMy criteria for either I am in need of a loving, attentive husband, or a solid weighted blanket. Must meet all of the following criteria: Measure between 5 to 10 feet in height. Weigh no less than 140 lbs. Must be soft. The fuzzier the better. Must provide a sense…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Sep 12, 2021Member-onlyBird Confronts Nosey BirdwatcherPlease put down your binoculars, pervert — NEW YORK CITY — Hey, Birdbrain! *chirp* Yeah you; the boomer with the bucket hat on your head walking around with an unsecured, $5,000 camera in Central Park. Were you just watching me take a bath? *chirp* No? Then what were you doing? You don’t know? I think you were…Humor2 min readHumor2 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Sep 3, 2021Member-onlyI Am The Roomba Sleeping With Your WifeVroom vroom goes the vacuum — We didn’t mean for you to find out this way, David. We didn’t know you were coming home from work early, and neither of us heard you come in through the garage door over the sound of my grinding motor. I guess this is obvious, but I’ll say it anyway: …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Aug 15, 2021Member-onlyWhat If…? and Choosing HappinessWhat we can learn from Marvel’s latest series — I am a huge Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) fan. I love the larger than life characters spanning over 24 interwoven movies and a variety of TV series. …What If3 min readWhat If3 min read
Jul 30, 2021Member-onlyQuitting My Full Time Job to Write — Week 1 UpdateAn energy shift — Last week I shared that I am joining the Great Migration by giving notice to my full time employer in order to leave the 9 to 5 work culture and become a full time freelance copywriter, humor writer, and much happier human. I also promised to provide weekly updates of…Writing Life3 min readWriting Life3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jul 21, 2021Member-onlyMy Gay Wedding Venue Is Now A MenardsWhy Pennsylvania is the worst — This is not a satirical piece of writing. This is my life. I am from rural Pennsylvania. My hometown has a population of 2,672 people. Being from a lower middle class family, when it came time for college, in-state tuition was my only option. …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
